All things internalized homophobia
This is one hits home for me!
Internalized homophobia is not something that is talked enough about. I feel like there is a lot of shame that’s associated with it and to be truthful, there is no shame around it. Now, i’m not gonna lie, I hurt quite a few people when I was wrestling with my sexuality because I was going back in forth in my head about whether or not I could be safe as a gay person. So I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have said to people I really cared about.
My whole life I grew up in the church. And I didn’t just grow up in it, I was super involved in it. Literally, people used to tell me all the time how mature I was and how I would make an awesome pastor one day…lol! I stepped into leadership at my church at just 16 years old, lead meetings, hosted small groups…the whole sha-bam (I don’t know how to spell that)! My identity was completely wrapped up in my faith.
So, imagine me at 19 years old, one moment thinking about how I would travel and spread the word of God, and then the next moment I am living in New York City finally realizing I like girls! My system was in complete shock and I could feel my body enter flight or fight mode pretty fast. I couldn’t talk to my closest friends about it (because they would judge me) and I, myself, started trying to pray it away. But I couldn’t shake it (shocker!) And my nervous system stayed disregulated.
Everything I knew to be true my whole life was now in question. My body was like WHAT THE HECK, this is not what we planned for. I truly believe battling internalized homophobia is a way your body tries to keep us “safe” during massive change. It tries to keep you from experiencing change and keep you sticking to what’s familiar and comfortable. That’s why it took my mind a long time to catch up with my heart. My heart knew I was gay because I could feel the freedom that took place when I thought about embracing my identity, but my mind was like, woaaaah this is all new territory and we don’t like this.
So what did I do? I tried my very hardest to ignore it. Ignore that I was gay? Yepppp, I even told a girl I was dating at the time that I wasn’t even sure if I was attracted to boobs (and yes, yes I was) hahah! Sooo internalized homophobia. It’s such a complex subject and at the end of the day is rooted in the inability to accept who you are and keeps you in an unauthentic place trying to please the world around you.
But the issue arises when we place shame around it. I believe everything is a process and is a journey. We face internalized homophobia because we are finally asking questions we have spent a life time ignoring. In a way, it was my body’s way of seeing if we were safe in this new authentic and free life…almost like testing the water a little bit. And guess what…we were! The queer community welcomed me with open arms even when I was in the middle of my struggle, hell..even when I told people I was still a Christian. There was nothing unsafe about the queer community, and after all, they were just normal people! So once my body felt safe, the internalized homophobia started to wash away and I was able to accept who I am and I have LOVED my life ever since.
I know this article doesn’t tell you how to “get through it” because honestly our bodies are so much more complex than that and everyone is on their own timeline. I just hope it makes you feel safe and seen, knowing that so many of us have faced internalized homophobia in our lives and you are not alone.
I will say however, everything is rooted in self-acceptance. The faster you can meet yourself right where you are at and begin to love who you are, the better you will feel and be. Never let what other people think of you derail you from what you know to be true yourself. And if you’re like me and had your whole (heterosexual) life planned ahead of you… take it as an opportunity to write your own script..it’s like opening a brand new book, but you’re the author this time! :)
With love always,
Anna ❤️ (she/her)
